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Your first sentence grabs my attention and makes me want to read more. I like the sentence starters 'after' and 'when' as they add variety. We're not sure how you can tell he is 26 years old as he is made of metal? Overall, I think this is a really good piece of descriptive writing.
— Koala and Tiger
I really liked your writing. I think you could use some more interesting opening words. Well done!
— little mix